Fear of the Break-up: What if I don't find anyone better?



There's a common fear that has gripped all of us at some point and it's possibly gripping you right now. This fear is irrational and justified at the same time. Actually, some women stay in relationships that they KNOW are going nowhere because in the back of their minds, the fear manifests in the form of the question, "what if I don't find anyone better than him?". Given the current dating climate and the things that are being accepted from men lately, the thought probably doesn’t seem far-fetched (but it’s just not true). Let's unpack this thought for a second and debunk this theory.

You've probably spent years cultivating a relationship with the same man and there's SO much time invested in teaching each other and becoming better for each other. (It's actually pretty beautiful when you think about it.) To spend years growing-up together and overcoming the things that life throws at you, just makes the bond (attachment) that much stronger. You've planned your future with this man... flaws and all. He's seen you at your ugliest and knows MOST of your dirty little secrets (and somehow, he's stuck around). He knows you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. He's had time to figure out your likes and dislikes and he probably has you mastered in every way. (This isn't something to take lightly because it takes some men forever to learn a woman and SOME never truly master her wants and needs.) You've allowed your proverbial roots to intermingle with his and now you'll have to literally let parts of you die to detach from him.

This becomes a problem when you finally conclude that for whatever reason, this man doesn’t deserve any more of your time. Reaching this point is a victory, because your heart will have you making every excuse in the book to avoid detachment. Knowing the relationship is a dead end means nothing if you stick around. However, transitioning from knowing this to acting on this information is the battle of a lifetime. Here’s where the thought creeps in to lay its foundation.

The idea starts to build with this initial question: Who could possibly learn you on the same level or even care enough to do so? The short answer is: plenty of men. Patience and persistence haven’t run thin in the male community and just as your current undeserving counterpart had the gumption to learn you, another man will too. While the very thought of having to build to this level with someone else leaves you mentally drained and defeated, what if it’s beautiful and RIGHT the next time?

If you’re fighting to leave a cheater who may have EVERYTHING else going for him, consider this. I would gladly trade a man’s status for loyalty (within reason). As I prioritize my happiness higher, I get a better grasp on what I need my partner to emotionally bring to the table. So, the next guy may not be a corporate executive (more like a salesman or something along those lines), but if that’s what’s traded for someone who’s good to me and invested in the relationship… he would qualify as “better”.

Cliché alert: All men aren’t the same. They may have similar quirks and misgivings, but there are men in this world that WANT to be in committed relationships. Our judgement can be clouded by “type criteria”. We’re attracted to a certain type or expect our partner to look a certain way, act a certain way, etc. When you place yourself in this small option box, it’s easier to assume that there’s no other person that will be better than your undeserving partner. Essentially, according to your type, all you will get is another version of this person. Resist boxing yourself into a certain type. Think freely about what’s to come and be optimistic. Surely there’s more to life for you than someone who doesn’t deserve you. Of course, you’ll come across someone better! You just have to be open to receiving the person into your life.

#breakups #dating #fears

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