*Looks over shoulder* I watch porn. Yes, I said it. Not addictively, but I check it out to see what the competition is looking like. I mean hey... don't judge me just yet! Listen to the intel I've gathered from my research first! Some women may think that they are skilled enough to hang with the best of the porn stars, but said women still need to have MORE to offer if a serious relationship is what is desired. Relying on sex to keep your relationship going, places you in Pandora’s Box (I couldn’t resist). You’ll have to constantly “perform”, outdo your last performance, and/or keep looking to give the element of surprise. That’s nice and all, but that plan of action is faulty for the 4 reasons listed below.
1. PORN EXISTS
Here's the thing. Men watch porn and expect those theatrics from you (and even the best of us aren't going to be able to hang with Flexible Fran and her lack of a gag reflex)! We catch cramps, get tired, and sometimes we're "over it" before we finish. There are no lights and camera tricks to catch us at our sexiest angles. In real life it’s a little more labored and transitions aren’t the smoothest. Because of all of this, your man is bound to expect or aspire to do more based on what he’s seen on these flicks. Relying on your sex game to keep him interested in you, puts you in constant competition with an entire industry (I’m talking fetishes and all those niche categories you don’t even know about). That’s impossible to maintain!
2. HE MAY WANT CONVERSATION
Believe it or not, some guys WANT us to talk (and not just the sexual banter… really talk). There are just some things that “the fellas” can’t offer in conversation that WE can. He may want a woman’s perspective on a business venture or he may just want to hear about your aspirations. Constantly defaulting to sex chatter or leaning toward getting physical in those moments may imply that you have no intellectual range. (We know that’s not true, but he may not.) When the chance comes, try to impress him with your intellect before defaulting to sex. After all, ANYBODY can navigate the sex route. Stand out and arouse his brain.
3. IT MAY TURN HIM OFF
As much as men may want a little sex-pot for a girlfriend/wife, they have insecurities too. It can be stressful dating someone that exudes sex at all times. While you may not be trying, this can be the perception (if your focus is constantly on your sex game). You get caught up being sexy at any given moment and he gets concerned at the thought of everyone else seeing you as a sex symbol. Nobody’s knocking your sex appeal, trust me! Over time, he could desire a toned-down version of this or simply label your “obsession” with sex as a turn-off. If you’re naturally a sexual person, he wasn’t the man for you. However, if you were pushing the envelope to “keep” him, it will have had the opposite effect.
4. YOU WEAPONIZE SEX
If you are using sex as bargaining chip, it definitely will not keep the relationship on the right track. People grow to resent whatever is used to punish them. Will he resent sex in general? Of course not! He’ll just grow to resent it with you. While trying to “train” a man to do and act as you want him to act, sex should NEVER be used to manipulate. It’s a little narcissistic to think of your sex as a reward and that’s the exact sentiment when you ration it and negotiate it for leverage in a relationship. I’m not saying you’re not great in bed, but the appeal dies when it becomes a reward for compliance or good behavior.
I get it. Sex plays a large role in relationships, but it’s not the ONLY contributing factor for successful relationships. Using sex to appeal to your partner can only get you so far and using it to control your partner (or keep him from straying) is just an outlandish notion. While it’s perfectly okay to be your best in bed, don’t make that your relationship’s core value. You have way more to offer!