Updated: Feb 9
This is one of those topics where you’re going to want to shoot the messenger. Two things: I’m still going to keep it real and I’m bullet proof. (just kidding)
But seriously, we all have those relationship dynamics that we think are perfectly normal that “everyone goes through”. Unfortunately, some of us have been making excuses for toxic relationship practices with our acceptance of these dynamics. Have you been supporting toxic romantic dynamics in your relationships? If your sentiments are on the below list—maybe you have. Take a look and find out if what you believe is normal is ACTUALLY toxic.
All men cheat.
This one has been passed down from generation to generation with the expectation that women should accept that their man will be unfaithful at some point in the relationship. This sentiment is often paired with the idea that a woman should be grateful if he doesn’t let her “find out” about the cheating. Sis, read this clear… THIS IS ALL BULLSH*T! There’s no one sided cheating allowance that happens in a healthy relationship. It’s not something we have to blindly accept and endure! All of it reeks of toxicity at it’s finest! If you’re justifying your presence in a relationship with this sentiment… get out! You’re in the sunken place!
Arguments and/or physical violence is passionate.
Passion. People like to use that word when things get dicey (and usually unacceptable). “We’re passionate people.” Meh… passion isn’t occasionally catching a blow to the head in a wrestling match or screaming deep-cutting insults in a fit of rage. Passion is more like… being in sync and energized sexually or proclaiming your love from the mountaintops, often. Nasty arguments and physical violence are never positive signs of passion—only toxicity. Eventually, one of the two will go too far and things will become irreparable.
We need to spend all our time together.
Everybody needs a break, sis. Even you. Time away from each other gives you both time to solidify your own identities. If your identity is wrapped up in someone else (or in your relationship), you’ll find it hard to live a normal life. It may not be completely toxic to be obsessed with your partner, but it’s definitely mentally unhealthy.
The only person you need is your partner.
This reaches premium levels of toxicity! To expect a person to cut everyone else off to be in a relationship with you (and vice versa) is CRAZY. This goes hand in hand with the previous sentiment, but definitely tips the toxic and crazy scale. We will always need the love and support of more than just our romantic partner. It’s unreasonable to think otherwise.
You must downplay your career, personality, etc. for his ego.
If his ego can’t handle your personality or career level, he’s not the one. Downplaying yourself to stroke his ego will only fast track you into a super toxic situation. There’s someone out there that can handle ALL of you at your full potential!
The woman can’t have sexual history.
If the woman in the relationship can’t have sexual history, neither can the man. If the sentiment doesn’t apply for both parties, it’s toxic. No one wants to be pure and chaste only to give herself to a used-up, man-whore (harsh, but real).
Men should be financially responsible for everything.
If this is your thinking, get ready to be in a toxic relationship. You’re basically signing up to be your partner’s dependent. That’s the equivalent of being his child. Is that how you want him to treat you? Beyond that, it’s pretty flawed to expect another person to be fully financially responsible for you. If you’re able-bodied and of sound mind, why would he need to completely carry you? Would you do the same for him? Double standards lead to toxicity and THIS is a capital double standard!
Women must be servant-like to have value.
The men that chastise women for desiring marriage without fully playing the role of a slave (cooking, cleaning, sexing, etc.) for them are high on the toxic totem pole. These men want you to be fully devoted to their care and it’s disgusting. This is not your role as his girlfriend, wife, or anything! You don’t get into a relationship to only “serve” anyone. Abandon this sentiment immediately!
Sex is for men’s pleasure only.
Don’t deny yourself! Your needs should be met as well. Whoever started this rumor is wildly off-base. Why would sex not be for women’s pleasure too? That’s ridiculous and one-sided. A one-sided pleasure expectation is positively toxic (and selfish). If for some reason you bought into this theory—let it go now!
Bonus: The children are the woman’s responsibility.
Let me remind the mommies that think men shouldn’t equally share in the responsibility of child rearing that this thought process is toxic (to you and your children). It’s not ONLY a woman’s job to manage the lives of her children. It’s their dad’s job as well. Don’t feed into the narrative that it’s your sole job to care for the children. Share the responsibility and enjoy your breaks.
End the reign of toxicity in relationships. Stop normalizing these sentiments and cancel them on sight. Move on to greater and healthier relationships. Thank me later.