So, you met this guy and things got serious. You’re his girl, but you find out that you’re not the ONLY girl in his life.
He has a woman best friend (and it’s your first time navigating a situation like this).
Your knee jerk reaction is probably to get jealous and wonder what the heck is going on with them. Natural response. That won’t win you any points in the relationship department because face it… she was there first. However, YOU have his heart. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence, but it doesn’t stop it from being awkward for you and maybe even the other parties involved. Here are 4 key things you should know about navigating this situation.
SHE COULD POSSIBLY BE AN ALLY, BUT SHE’S HIS FRIEND AND NOT YOURS.
Once you get comfortable with the idea of your guy being best buds with a woman, you’ll probably try to get chummy with her yourself. This is fine and probably even a good idea, but remember… she’s HIS friend. This means her loyalty will always lie with him. Do go bashing him to her when you’re angry because, remember, she doesn’t know him in that capacity. You probably won’t be united by “girl power” in that particular situation and things can go south quickly. Doing this could complicate their relationship—resulting in complications for you and your guy. The best bet is to be cordial, but stay pretty neutral with her. Don’t create any awkward situations by jumping in your feelings and expecting her to defend you. That’s not her role.
SHE OCCUPIES A DIFFERENT SPACE THAN YOU DO.
She may know more of his dirty little secrets than you do because he’s not aiming to be HER Mr. Right. He’ll probably hide some of his past dirt from you, and she’ll probably know it all. This can and probably will be annoying because you probably think YOU’RE supposed to know everything about him (or at least more than another woman does). I’m right there with you on that, but think about it. Does he know everything that YOUR best friend knows about you? Gender aside, it’s the same concept. Her “knowing more” about him is perfectly fine and won’t take away from your role as a girlfriend. You actually know the things that count. Again, he chose you as his romantic interest. Find security in that.
SHE MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND HIS PERSPECTIVE.
Oftentimes we find ourselves banging our heads against the wall because we can’t understand our guys’ logic. This is where the best friend may come in handy. She not only knows his perspective, but she knows how his perspective can be viewed from a woman’s perspective. This is golden in those moments of frustration. She can potentially be a voice of reason for one or the both of you when seeing the other’s perspective seems impossible.
ACCEPT THAT SHE’LL PROBABLY KNOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
(This is probably the biggest annoyance for me with this situation. I hate when my relationship issues are discussed with anyone other than me by my guy. Aarrrrggggh!) Know that, just like your bestie probably knows when you guys are beefing, she’ll probably know too. The good news is that maybe she can offer insight into your perspective on certain disagreements (without being labeled as biased by your man). Remind yourself that if it were a guy friend knowing these things, it probably wouldn’t be as much of a problem for you (if any at all). Treat it with the same temperament and don’t hold it against her.
While this situation may seem a little sketch at first, it could actually be beneficial (if they’re not harboring any hidden feelings for each other >> another post for another day). It’s totally workable and may even help bring you and your guy closer. Give the bestie a chance, but just don’t automatically assume she’s your bestie too. Navigate the situation and toss those insecurities!