Once a cheater, always a cheater.
That’s probably an unfair mantra, but for someone who’s been hurt or heartbroken from cheating, it’s a defense mechanism (one I don’t use, but hey…).
One of the first questions I ask when getting to know a new guy is if he’s ever cheated on someone before. If he answers, “yes”, it’s not a deal breaker, but I do have follow-up questions. I need to know details about when it happened and the circumstances around the situation. (This is to get insight on his mindset.) The point is, if a guy has cheated in the past, it doesn’t mean he should automatically be banished to the undatable list. He may have learned from his past mistake and be on the path to being the perfect catch for someone else. Here are 8 reason’s it’s okay to date a reformed cheater.
IT MAY BE OUT OF HIS SYSTEM.
As simple as it sounds, this may be true. He may have cheated in the past, but it was just something that needed to “work itself out of his system” (like food poisoning, right?). You may be in the clear simply because he’s over his cheating ways and doesn’t see the purpose in exploring that life again. This may seem like wishful thinking, but it’s entirely possible.
DATING EXPERIENCES ARE DIFFERENT WITH EACH PERSON
Some people bring out the absolute worst in others. While his ex could have brought out the cheater in him (for whatever reason), you may inspire him to ONLY be a better man (absolutely the direction we want him to go). Compatibility makes you interact with people in different ways. It’s worth giving it a try. One woman’s trash COULD be another woman’s treasure. Stay hopeful.
HE’S EXPERIENCED NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF CHEATING
To paraphrase: he’s learned from his mistakes. Maybe he’s had to deal with the guilt of hurting someone innocent (or that he loved). He may actually have had to FEEL the loss caused by his cheating and wants to make sure he doesn’t have to feel that again. He could have lost something or someone that was important to him as a result of his cheating and he’s now turned off by the thought. Either way, negative consequences could have reformed him into a faithful partner.
HE KNOWS WHY HE DID IT
One of the worse types of cheaters is the kind that doesn’t know (and cannot tell you) why they did it. If there was no rhyme or reason to it or he has no explanation, that’s dangerous. If he doesn’t know why he did it, he can’t combat it in the future. If he knows why he did it, he’s more likely to avoid triggering situations in the future.
HE BELIEVES IT WAS WRONG
This probably should be the first on the list. A cheater that actually believes he was wrong is someone that may be ready for a redo. If he thinks that he wasn’t wrong and cheating is just something that people do, steer clear of him. (Sadly, a lot of people think this way.)
HE DOESN’T BLAME OTHERS FOR HIS CHEATING
Absolute accountability is needed for this to work. If he blames everybody and plays the victim, there will always be someone available to blame for future cheating. He must take ownership of his actions in order to have successful future relationships. If he understands this, it may be workable.
HE’S CHANGED HIS APPROACH TO SITUATIONS BECAUSE OF IT
Maybe he was heavy on social media and cheated with someone he met from social media. If he’s modified the way in which he uses social media because he DOESN’T want to be a cheater (or be perceived as one), it’s commendable. This shows he doesn’t want to go down that path again. There’s hope on the horizon! Note: Social media isn’t the only modifiable action, but it works as an example. He could have changed his approach to other situations too.
HE’S OPEN, HONEST, AND UPFRONT.
If no matter how much it’ll hurt your feelings, he tells the truth, you could be safe moving forward with him. This sounds like a man that’s learned from some bad mistakes in the past and wants to be transparent in the relationship. This is great!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling you to go out and find an ex cheater intentionally. However, if you find yourself in the situation where you know your potential partner has cheated in the past, use this as a checklist. If he checks these 8 items off, he may possess enough redeeming qualities for you to give him a chance.